Ggggucky feelings and Trusting Him

So, I've been a little emotional the last couple of days.....It showed itself first in being highly aggrevated in situations I normally would have blown off, then escalated to crying in the produce section of Costco. I just ignored the irratitableness (and by ignore I mean blamed other people) but when I'm crying I public I have no choice but to look at myself.

Let me tell you, I've been doing way better with the adoption process than I thought. I was prepared to be a mess and to cry all the time. But I haven't. I really have been emotionally stable, and anyone in my family can tell you that's not normal! It's now starting to get to me. This process is hard. Maybe I've written that before...maybe I only blog about it being hard, if that's the case then this is my way of venting and most of the time I'm okay and I do think adoption is amazing!

I think getting our updated number set me off. I don't want to be #5 or #1 or even have my referral. I just want to be with my daughter! I know I should be happy with #5, but in all honesty I'm not. There's a baby who needs her mama and I want her now!

Today I was listening to a Rich Mullins song, it goes a little something like this:

~There's bound to be some troubles in your life, Reach out to Jesus and hold on tight~

Then lots of tears, some uncontrollable shaking of the shoulders....I realized yet another way that the adoption process is so hard for me. For my bio children I never missed one really hard thing in their little lives. Now I have a baby who is going through the probably the hardest thing in her little life and I can't be a part of it. She's losing her family. Yes, she's gaining another one but she's going through such a tough time and I'm not with her. I don't even know her yet. This makes me feel...gggucky (it's the term for the sad gut feeling I have).

Also, on this same song note: I realized that my new daughter really isn't my own. She is the Lord's and I need to trust Him to take care of her. I learned this with my bio children but I had way more time to learn it. With Caleb it really sank in when he was hospitalized with rotovirus at 16 months, with Nathan it was his first week of life being diagnosed with glactosemia, and I think the learning just seeped over from the other two for Addie:) Anyway, I have to give my baby who I don't really have yet over to the Lord and He will care for her because He loves her more than I do. I'm sure none of that makes sense to anyone but me. But it feels good to get it out so there...it's out.

Note: I started writing this last week. I'm feeling way better now:) And we're unofficially #3!